...myself.  or, at least this part of me.
a brief glimpse into one of the layers that comprises me.

i wrote the following circa 2006, i think.
when i was at a completely different point in my life.
but reading back, many things are still the same.
haven't changed.


so, to my audience of a few
(including liz ku...)  :)
i thank you for so many things,
this Christmas.

as we look into the new year...
and say "so long"
to 2008.

Merry Christmas.

"Life Change, Life Lessons

As I take a momentary break from reading about different counseling theories, I reflect over the past several months and how life became so crazy, so quickly.  There used to be a time in my life when I resented God for closing doors so that I could not step through them.  I felt rejected by Him and quite lost… trying to navigate the murky waters of post-college young adulthood without a sure course of direction.  My confidence in myself diminished.  I remember those feelings well, because they lasted until just last winter, and they still occasionally resurface. 

Tonight, however, I am filled with an incredible sense of wonder as I think about how much circumstances have changed.  Working full-time in a fast-paced environment, studying full-time to become a clinical therapist, commuting twice a week to classes 1 ½ hours away, thinking about my looming clinical internship, worrying about how to afford rent and pay the bills, and serving at City Light, I grow almost wistful of these things I didn’t have to think about when 2006 blew into existence. 

A little over a week ago, a close friend of mine was married.  Her wedding ceremony was beautiful, and I felt humbled and grateful to be able to witness and participate.  The weekend was a whirlwind of meeting new people, rehearsing the ceremony, reuniting with close friends, taking pictures, and sharing joy.  Yet, after everything had ended, I felt a profound sense of loss and sadness that I am still repressing.  I try to tell my friends the nature of these feelings, and most have a difficult time understanding.  They assume I feel the way I do because my friend became married and I still am single.  They’ve missed my point.  Henri J.M. Nouwen got it right, though, in his book Can You Drink the Cup? when he writes, “The coming and leaving of friends, the experiences of love and betrayal, of care and indifference, of generosity and stinginess can become the way to true human freedom.  Yes, people who love us also disappoint us, moments of great satisfaction also reveal unfulfilled needs, being home also shows us our homelessness.  But all of these tensions can create in us that deep, deep yearning for full freedom that is beyond any of the structures of our world.”  My feelings of loss and sadness came as I thought about my friend leaving me behind… our relationship changing subtly.  But I realized I needed to let her go if I wanted to experience freedom and the beautiful, new, more mature nature of our relationship.

My heart yearns for those days when I used to be so passionate about worship, about lifting my hands to the sky, closing my eyes and feeling as if I could touch the very face of God… I lived for charismatic worship experiences, for concerts led by Chris Tomlin and David Crowder.  I wonder where those days fled to… days when my heart burned to go overseas, when I could not get enough of Jim Elliot and John Piper.  Now I have become caught up in the cycle of working and studying, and I feel so impatient, like I’m just waiting so that I can graduate and get on with the rest of my life. 

But if that’s the case, what is it that I am living now?  Is it not life in the fullest sense?  Am I simply going through the motions?  Is that how God desires that I should live?  I have always wanted to be seen as one who keeps her face turned towards the horizon, living purposefully, thinking strategically, having a perspective that life is meant to be lived out now, but also not to abandon God’s dream in my heart for the future.  He has been whispering to me daily, “Don’t settle.”  Two simple words, but nevertheless, words that keep me going. 

I don’t want to settle for mediocrity.  I don’t want to live life only to the minimum standard.  Life may be crazy now, and I am feeling a lot of uncertainty about where I will be again, come January.  It is hard to take daily steps of faith and remind myself that God knows where I’m going.  But despite the change happening around me, He is still constant. Furthermore, I am surrounded by partners, friends, on all sides of me.  We are running this race together, spurring one another on towards the prize, which is in Jesus Christ.  I have been so encouraged to be part of this body because I am not alone.  The past is over; my circumstances may have changed, but that doesn’t mean I can’t look forward to even better days of worship, of fellowship, and of making even sweeter memories in years to come."  (November, 2006)

i never would have thought that when i stepped off the plane and onto the osaka/kansai airport ground, that God would do something so amazing in my heart over the next 12 days.


on the bus, on the way to Kobe-Sanomeeya, after landing at Osaka/Kansai

my trip to Japan this time around was quite different from the flurry of activity in Tokyo 3 years ago.
no waking up at 4 a.m. to catch the train, handing out fliers for campus bible studies, walking from campus to campus to campus, being part of a missions team.

when i left Japan 3 years ago, i left with a lot of questions and a deep need to learn more about how to help broken, hurting people.

my reason to return to Japan this summer hinged on that: I needed to find out if any of those questions had been answered.

i needed a break.

i wanted to serve.

and i loved Japan.

though disguised as a "vacation", my trip to Kobe actually centered around living alongside Bobby and Claire (ChungEun), walking alongside them in their ministry, blending into their wallpaper, and witnessing what they have been involved in for the past 2 1/2 years. Bobby and Claire are my mentors, disciplers, adopted older brother and sister. they are like family to me. and their perseverance and hope in bringing others to know the gospel have been an amazing witness (www.ryuminations.blogspot.com). As you may have heard, Japan is a notoriously tough nation to do ministry in. It's only 0.7% Christian (although T.D. says actually only 0.2%...).
Why believe in something when you've already got everything you need?

So I really didn't know what to expect. i didn't have any expectations going in. but i got to experience every facet of their work. it's missions in an unconventional sense. it's all about relationship-building. and over the course of my 2 weeks, i was able to begin building a few of my own relationships.

needless to say, it was tough to leave.
i didn't even see my tears coming as i said farewell. but they did, fast and furious.

on my last afternoon, saying good-bye to the wonderful people of Gakuentoshi Chapel, my heart was flooded with a deep sense of sadness.
longing to remain.
and love for all that they (the Japanese) are.
it was hard to say good-bye when i wasn't ready to leave.

over the past several days, even without my knowing it, God had been slowly doing His work in my heart.
He pretty much filled my heart to the brim. i couldn't speak Japanese, but the few conversations I was able to have with them, through a mixture of Japanese and English, through smiles and laughter, and all the time we spent together, re-convicted me of the need that exists to work and walk alongside these wonderful people.

they have a lot of material comforts. they struggle, and work hard, and endure with remarkable patience. they are bright, and kind, and hospitable. they smile and laugh frequently.

but underneath it all, they experience much pain and sorrow.
there is definite beauty in this brokenness.

through the extent of my way back to California, I wondered and struggled with how soon I could possibly return to Japan.

Find a job?
Go teach English?
Make more Japanese friends?
Find and marry a Japanese national?
(Seriously, sounds outrageous, but I thought about it...)

I pray for open doors, because I return to Los Angeles more sure than ever, that the seeds God planted in my heart in Tokyo 3 summers ago, are sprouting and developing into a richer and more complex desire to be involved in the lives of these people.

This trip proved it.

life back in L.A. currently feels flat, dismal, and not-the-same. home hasn't changed much, but i know i have. and i am scared that the reality of what i experienced will slowly fade, dream-like, into mere memories, as i become accustomed to life here once again.

i want to fight against that. i want to fight against what's comfortable.

if home is where the heart is, then my home became Kobe.
i don't understand how God did it. He is pretty amazing.

- - -
At this time, I leave you with a picture of...




Izumi, student struggling with college and future direction
Claire, my [adopted] older sister whom i love
Naoko, bright and beautiful and with a passion for learning English
- - -

more pictures will come, eventually.
pictures don't really do much justice, but they are the only way i can share with you the wonderful people that have become my family.